This post is very special to me and also very raw and personal. After so many years of looking in the mirror and just hating what I saw, never believing I was good enough or deserving of love. Body positivity is very close to my heart now even though I am back at my heaviest. The difference now is my mindset and my hopes for my daughter.
It used to be so hard choosing an outfit and putting on whatever covered up the most of me. I would wear only baggy sweatshirts and baggy jeans in hopes that nobody would see me. I wondered why others were blessed with slim bodies and I was stuck with this chubby physique. It took an emotional toll on my emotions and later almost took a toll on my relationship. My husband could not understand why I hated a body he loved so much. He would hurt watching me tear myself apart in the mirror. It was then I realized I needed to change my perspective. I cannot describe the feeling of complete raw hatred of my body (though I am sure some people understand). I was always thinking about it instead of enjoying my life. I didn’t know how anyone could love me… I was disgusting. I’d squeeze my fat and look at it with utter disgust. This particularly hurt my hubby and he just couldn’t watch me feel that way.
We would have endless discussions where he would beg me to understand how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. He would ask me why? Why did I feel this way? And I would just say “because”…. And so that got me thinking…. Why?!?! Why DID I feel this way? And oh man did that bring up a ton of emotions. In my first post I discussed how a close family member asked me when I was a young girl if I should really be eating that potato chip. Well it all started there and from that moment on I had an unhealthy relationship with food. At first I ate to spite this person, then my body started changing as a young girl, then life’s stresses happened. And so the spiral went on. I needed to create a better relationship with what I ate. Once I did that food was no longer the enemy.
I took up fitness, lifting, yoga, anything that could help me find myself and learn to love the skin I am in. It was an uphill battle but I was extremely happy to make it to the top. I told myself no matter what, and no matter how I felt, every morning I would look myself in the eye and tell that woman she is beautiful and strong. After so many days I started to truly and deeply believe myself. There is no greater feeling than the feeling of complete love and acceptance of my whole self.
I have made it my mission and goal to touch as many woman’s lives and minds as possible. I want everyone to know how truly beautiful they are and that they are not alone on this life journey. There are tons of strong and beautiful warrior women in their tribe. I want my daughter to grow up with self-love and a strong foundation of confidence. We are the example for our children and if we don’t show our bodies some love our children will notice. Please join me in this mission!